Thursday, March 03, 2005

Let me say this about blowjobs

I've been with four girls to date who have claimed to really enjoy giving blowjobs.

I don't buy it.

Sucking on a cock can't possibly be pleasant. Can you imagine a girl going home and putting a big dildo in her mouth and just going at it? That might be fun to imagine, but seriously, it doesn't happen. And for girls who swallow, if I were a girl I bet that would just make my skin crawl!

I'm sure there are girls who don't really mind sucking cock, but its probably more like me and back-rubs. I know I'm good at it and I'll get joy out of knowing that I'm giving someone a massage that they're really into, but I wouldn't take a half hour rubbing down a mannequin or something. The point isn't giving the massage, it's the person on the receiving end that I'm thinking about.

I think Uncle Ben said it best, with great blowjob comes great responsibility.

In this essay I hope to make you think about blowjobs in new ways, and make you a better person. I will address the blowjob's social implication, the negative consequences on girls who would prefer to not give them, proper etiquette for the sucker and suck'ee, and how to deal with a girl who means well but just sucks at sucking.

Let me also state that the word "girl" can be substituted with "dude" if that's your thing. I'll be using the word girl from here on out merely to describe the person with the testicles on their chin.


Social Implications; Blowjobs have replaced "first base" as the new "holding hands."


My friend Pavla thinks that modern girls give head too easily. And maybe she's right.


Its possible that my friends are just all total sluts, but it appears that modern girls are really comfortable giving casual head, and modern guys are more than eager to take part. Here is a link to a recent Metro article does a pretty good job talking about this cultural shift.

[Editors note: Doing any research on the internet for sex-related topics is super difficult due to all the porn sights..]

This phenomenon isn't entirely new, and appears to go in waves. There is a wealth of pottery from ancient Roman times with paintings around the edges depicting all sorts of oral sex (hetro, homo, whatever). And don't get me started on the renaissance period, or the hippies!

But these attitudes put girls like Pavla at a disadvantage. If her peers will meet a random guy at a party, have a fun time hanging out, and suck his cock before the night is over -- how is a girl like Pavla to compete on the dating scene if she would rather abstain from sucking cock in such casual ways?

I personally will contend that this isn't a huge disadvantage, but that really depends on the gentleman she is trying to impress. I've been with more girls who haven't given head than girls who have, and a blowjob has never played into my decision process about if I thought I should be with a girl or not. But I'd feel a lot more guilty about not wanting to be with someone who had swallowed my cum than someone who haden't.

Which brings up another point,

You Don't Have To Swallow

Really girls, and I may get shit from other dudes for saying this, but when giving blowjobs you shouldn't feel remotely obligated to let a dude cream in your mouth. A thoughtful male will let you know that he is about to cream so you can decide for yourself if you wish to finish him off by hand or mouth or whatever. Just please don't leave him hanging or he is liable to die of blue-balls, which is THE WORST!

I should note that some girls appear to genuinely not mind swallowing, and see it as a practical alternative to having something to clean up after. I suppose this makes sense, but as a dude I feel kind of gross kissing a girl even ten minutes after I cream in her mouth. It would be the biggest jerk move to not kiss a girl after getting that kind of servicing, but I'd rather not have that on my mind and just dirty up my shirt or sheets instead!

I guess the point is, there isn't some graph connecting his pleasure to how much you let a dude get away with. People are different and you should communicate to find out what you will each get the most out of.

You can give a gentleman a perfectly amazing sexual experience with a combination of mouth and hands, and he shouldn't think any less of you (if he thinks any less of you for anything at all relating to a hand job or blowjob he is just a jerk anyway). Blowjobs rock because they feel really good. They do a great job stimulating more areas of the penis, in a sensual lubricated sort of way. The best blowjobs I've ever gotten have involved a combination of lip and tongue stimulation along with well-placed hand-work focused on the most sensitive areas (in my case, around the tip). Some guys love having their balls played with, I really don't, so you should find out what he's into by observing his responses to different stimulation or just straight up asking. Because seriously, if you're going to go through the trouble and icky-ness of putting his wiener in your mouth, you might as well make sure he is enjoying it!

Etiquette for Men

Just as there are rules for the person giving the blowjob, there are rules for the recipient as well.

First and foremost, do not grab hold of a girls head or body or anything to move her around on your junk. This is a real live girl going down on you, with feelings and the need to keep breathing. If you wanted to have that much control, you should just fill a sock with Vaseline and stick it in the microwave for a minute and use that, because grabbing a girls head is really just turning her into your puppet. It works in porno movies but not real life. Its rude, uncomfortable, kind of gross, and just plain lame. Don't do it.

And be sure to let a girl know when you are getting ready to cream so she can decide if she wants it in her mouth or somewhere else. Don't be upset about her not wanting to swallow your cum -- she is being nice enough to suck your dick in the first place, this is the least you can do. And most girls will do something special for you when they know you are about to blow, making it even better for you.

This is all well and good, but how about the unexpected situations?

What If She Sucks At Sucking?

Not that it's a problem, there are girls I've loved to death and been completely ecstatic about just cuddling and making out with, but trouble arises when they insist on going down on me despite their lack of skill.

This is a sticky tricky situation. If a girl is going down on you, it's your responsibility to be thankful and compliment her work, but what if she's just horrible at it but insists on trying anyway? And you give her tips and help her out, but its no good, and you don't lose your boner but don't blow a load either? I've had to mentally will myself to cream just to avoid feeling like a dick (no pun intended) to keep a girl from feeling bad or trying forever, but that doesn't strike me as a good position for either of us to be in. And they get so suspicions when you say something like "no, its alright honey, lets just cuddle", assuming you have cock-warts or STDs or something, when really you just want to be nice and save them the trouble!

Part of the problem is girls just needing to be better educated on how to give good head, but when that fails, with a generously pushy girl, what is a guy to do? Any advice on the subject will be greatly appreciated and disseminated on this blog, please comment below.

7 Comments:

At 1:36 AM, Blogger Freudian Crip said...

i am totally putting this on astro train and you can't stop me!

 
At 1:36 AM, Blogger Freudian Crip said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

 
At 1:37 AM, Blogger Freudian Crip said...

I posted it three times to get your hopes up. And your dick up.

 
At 2:02 AM, Blogger Avi said...

And my open letter to the ACLU wasn't good enough???

Oh well. If I can't stop you...

 
At 11:38 PM, Blogger malfouka said...

Are you really referring to females under the age of--let's say--16-18 y/o when you use the word "girl"? I realize that no-one seems to think much of calling ALL females "girls" but it really is disturbing. It is the consensus of many educated women (and men) friends of mine that to refer to a woman as a "girl" is demeaning, patronizing, and misogynistic--it's as if all those years of feminist fighting were for nothing...

 
At 12:34 AM, Blogger Avi said...

Dear Malfouka,

Thank you for your feedback.

The word "girl" is not meant to be degrading, but is being used merely to describe a gender. I did not realize that people took offence to this sort of language outside of rap lyrics, and will be more conscious of my choice of words in the future. I could have used the word "woman" to achieve a similar affect, but I almost think “girl” is more appropriate for this piece because it is talking about younger woman.

> Are you really referring to females under the age of--let's say--16-18 y/o when you use the word "girl"?It is being used to describe woman of all ages, especially teenagers. This will make more sense if you read the referenced Metro article, as this is social commentary about how young woman are more comfortable than previous generations with oral sex, including High School and even Junior High students.

I consider myself a feminist, and despite the taboo on talking about blowjobs, I feel that this piece overwhelmingly supports feminist ideas.

If you disagree, I’d love to know why.

Sincerely,
Rupert Murder

 
At 8:22 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I have to disagree - swallowing matters, or at least letting the guy cum in your mouth.

Why? Because a blowjob is all about the mouth and the penis. So this business about letting the girl know before you cum, so that she can remove her mouth and make you cum with her hand, well I'm sorry but that's called a "handjob" not a blowjob.

A proper blowjob should end with you coming in her mouth. Why? Because the best part of a blowjob is having the girl make you cum with her mouth, not with her hand (vastly inferior pleasure).

When a girl takes her mouth off before you cum, that's like oral coitus interruptus. It's a real mood killer, totally breaks the spell of the blowjob.

As for swallowing, well I stand corrected, that's up to the girl. Once she's let you cum in her mouth, it's her choice what she wants to do with it. That said, it's a turn-on for a girl to swallow, and do so enthusiastically. So shoot me, but it is.

 

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