Thursday, January 06, 2005

An open Letter To The ACLU

**this was originally posted on livejournal/astrotrain, but was recently censored by the astrotrain editorial board. this is probably more appropriate here, as it relates to at least two of the four p's**

Dear American Civil Liberties Union,

I'm starting to regret having joined your organization.

Don't get me wrong, I really love the work that the ACLU does.

Let me explain:

I joined the ACLU because I really wanted to support your organization, and I thought that having a membership card in my wallet would be pretty snazzy.

My first disappointment came when I finally got my membership card about three months after handing over my twenty bucks. Not only was it printed on regular flimsy paper-stock, but it was much larger than the standard card size, meaning I couldn't even keep it in my wallet! What the fuck is this, a miniature membership certificate?? When hot sluts look through the cards in my wallet I want them to be impressed by my being an ACLU member, tempting them to give me oral sex. How the fuck is an ACLU membership card going to help me get oral sex if there isn't a convenient way for me to carry it around?

The next disappointment came in on a steady daily basis. I appear to now be on a charity "sucker list" as someone who financially supports social causes. Of course I would love to donate money to Planned Parenthood and Doctors Without Borders -- these are really great organizations that do great things, but I'm fucking poor and can't afford to support them right now.

This is not only obnoxious but also counter productive.

Even though these solicitations are being sent out by "bulk mail", the charity collecting community has spent far more money trying to get donations out of me than what I have actually donated, meaning that by giving the ACLU $20 I am actually taking away from the pool of organizations I would like to be supporting! I mean, shit guys, I have a fucking internet connection and know that these organizations have websites. I promise to support them once I can, but right now it just isn't going to happen! Its been months, your computers should have realized that I wasn't giving me any more money and cut me off the mailing lists by now.

I still really appreciate your looking after the first amendment and putting up a fight when people want to take our freedoms away. Your hearts are in the right place, but you're just fucking morons. I hope you find ways to quit being so stupid.

I have a few ideas to help you collect money in non-bonehead ways. Here's one: You know how a lot of credit card companies have "cash back" incentives returning 1% or so of a card-holders purchases? What if you made an ACLU branded credit card that had a cash-back feature, but donated the cash-back to your organization instead of the card-holder? This would let your supporters donate money to your organization without having to adjust their shopping habits, and it would act as a status symbol allowing your supporters to carry one less card to carry in their wallets, making it far easier to impress slutty bitches and get blowjobs. There is a really hot slut working at whole foods, with an ACLU credit-card I could totally stuff that bitch!

There are plenty of other great ideas where that came from incase you want to offer me a job.

But don't feel too bad about yourselves. On the bright side, you aren't nearly as obnoxious or retarded as PETA.



At 3:43 PM, Blogger neuro-praxis said...

/me claps slowly


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